Narrative on this post (005)
I started out realizing that I needed some depth more depth for Jane ... and her interaction at this point with Marcy was basically non-existent. What kind of person would have the preference she's conveyed? Why? Is it the result of a tragedy, a powerful and positive experience, or something just plain weird? I went with tragedy; as a literary device, tragedy is powerful and evocative in that it draws the reader in (as long it's not arbitrary AND isn't over the top). As someone once said, a little bit goes a long way. On a similar note, several comedians have noted that a small amount of bad things is fascinating and interesting, too much and you get smack-dab into a comedy routine. As a writer, I may want a comedy routine, but it should be either something I intend or something that is the natural result of the interaction of the characters with one another, their environment, or themselves. Everything else is as waste of time and space.
Again, if you've included this - note this as a lesson learned and keep writing. The goal here is to finish, not to write everything perfectly the first time. Mastering writing doesn't come overnight or a month, but as the result of a kind of perpetual groping in the dark. Much of the learning comes either by accident or while you weren't paying attention. As an example: do you remember when you learned to read? Do you remember clearly what it was like before you learned to read? Certainly, I don't; and this is the type of experience to which I am referring - transitions of this nature, proper ones that are desirable and deep, take time to unfurl.
As for Marcy, she has a new appreciation (or at least interest) in Jane because of the sigil / archway. We don't know if she's seen it before and her "secret" dislike of the lake is tied to the archway, if it's the first time she's seen it, or if she's already interact with it in some way. In addition, as the author, it isn't necessarily important that you give any deeper purpose to an object than have it simply be ... but it is a waste of words and space. Having a basic thrust for the root story (whether having the end in mind or being true to the characters and thus having certain plot points available for driving the story) will have a helpful impact in your efforts to direct the characters.
One thing that may be of concern to you is that the characters are not "doing what you want them to do." In any instance where a person tries to convey a realistic person, there will always come a point where the person has the potential to do something you weren't expecting. It might be the result of the person making a decision that makes sense for that person, but which didn't occur to you prior to writing that part of the story. It might be the result of what is actually in emotional/mental/physical view of the person at the time of the decision. Or it simply might be the manner in which some plot point needs to be resolved and the implementation of the resolution draws the story in a different direction. Be flexible. In real sense, you're creating a world for the people in your story - and you will be bringing your understand of cause and effect into your creation. The more indeterminate and free-spirited (or at least distinct from you) your characters are painted/described, the more likely the "people" will actually become people. And achieving believable people is critical to making a story desirable to experience for the audience. In addition, making the story more desirable to read may also make it easier for you to write as well - it really depends upon who you are and what you're making.
Some other interesting points about the story - the time line is a little muddled. This is the result of lack of planning on my part. How old are Emily and Jane? Is there a major age difference or maturity difference between Jane and Marcy? Are Marcy and Jane chronologically close? How about the teacher mentioned in passing - is it important how old they are? How about how everything unfurled? We know, from the first page, that they moved in about five years ago; but, we also know that the archway chapter (most recent) happened when Jane was sophomore. Did they move in at the same time, and so this is three years ago? We know that they have been roommates for five years - does that mean that they've been there far longer? How about Jane's scholastic career - did it start near the time that Jane became a renter? Lots of time-line questions are not yet addressed - and as the author, it is important that you think these kinds of things through and resolve them, either by planning before you write or doing so within the story. It is not hard to edit a story so that the existing time-frames "fit" the whole story, but usually the problem becomes that the story is far less believable.
As a useful tool: one way to write without planning everything out before-hand is to act as a detective. If you start out knowing that something happened to people "you've never met yet" and add information as your imagination and intuition drag you along, you'll likely stumble across a set of events that might actually tell a tale. It might even be linear and plausible. Regardless, it will likely be connected in a meaningful way ... and how meaningful will often determine how likeable and readable your story is.
One more note before we go back to the events that are unfolding ... unlike most of the story, this last chapter had weather. Weather is a powerful (and easily over-used) element that can enhance and convey depth without bashing it over the reader's head. I mention a gentle rain. I actually intended it to imply a resolution had happened between Jane and Emily. It might also be indicative of some sort of loss on the part of Marcy. It could thirdly indicate the end of an "act", and so the next few chapters might be set on a different stage. What it means to you and your characters should not be arbitrary. Don't waste or abuse weather.
Narrative on this post (005)
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